did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Boobs are out for the taking
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
