I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
