Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
