I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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