Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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