I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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