I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
