you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We talked him into tasing himself.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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