Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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