You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
