Swine flu is the new snow day.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize