I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
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There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
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she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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