Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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