I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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