I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
