if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
