you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
