tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
