What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
