the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
