I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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