totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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