so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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