He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
