why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
