My sheets look like a crime scene.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
he shaved USA in his pubs
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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