We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
