The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
