Just fell off a train. Bad.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
