I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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