im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
