I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
