No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
