Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
