I will die if light touches me.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
So squirting runs in the family.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
