The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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