you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
