do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
