No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
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I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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