...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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