meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Randomize
