I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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