I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
