In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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