I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
