It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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