loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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