when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
