Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
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You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
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I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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