woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
