God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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