do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
