Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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