its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
